For The Times When You Cannot Do This Any Longer: Light In The Darkness

Note to self: I heard there’s someone who cares about this.

Most of my adult life has been eclipsed by the fact that I have schizoaffective disorder. I’ve lost friends, jobs, ministry roles, liberty and dignity trying to just carry on in life like a medically typical person. It’s been really hard. There have been times when i’ve felt like I have the monopoly on suffering because of what i’ve been through and what i’m still going through. 

As I look back and as I reflect on my current circumstances, I know there’s only one thing that’s held me steady: faith. 

When I’ve been surrounded by darkness…

When I’m seeing evil that others can’t see and hearing the voice of darkness…

When I’m so high in mood that I feel physical pain or so low that the darkness is all I can see…

I need the light to show me the way. 

I need to see the way out of this.

I need to see the way through this.

When I don’t know how to carry on, I need Jesus. 

It’s worth me saying though, I haven’t always known who Jesus is. When I moved to where I live now, I moved away from my family and came here so that I could kill myself and not hurt anybody. But God had other plans. In my first week of university, I learned about Jesus completely by accident through the Christian Union. I learned who Jesus is and during the times when i’ve been so ill that i’ve forgotten, He has held me steady and secure. 

There’s a little bit of John’s gospel in the Bible that really resonates with me. John writes this:

‘In [Jesus] was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.

The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it.’

(John 1:4-5)

Jesus very literally brought me life. Although I have tried to take my life since becoming a Christian, after each attempt Jesus has met me with open arms and restored me. I know that He loves me and that He loves each of us with an everlasting love and with arms that are forever open waiting for us to come close. 

Jesus has shown me the way out of suicide - out of death - and he is also day by day showing me the way through suffering. 

I have not been healed. I live every day with my schizoaffective disorder and other severe and enduring mental ill health conditions. But in all the darkness, there is a light that leads me onwards as I navigate this treacherous journey through life. 

There is a light that even the greatest darkness cannot overcome. That light is called Jesus. For me and for many others, Jesus is the light that leads us through. But we can all know Jesus as the light of the world.

I wrote a poem and I want to share part of it with you. It’s called, ‘For The Times When You Cannot Do This Any Longer’:

“For the days when the darkness is suffocating and you cannot see:

here are my hands to shield you,

my fingers to hold onto the light.

​Look carefully.”

Note to self: He will never stop holding on.